Surviving or thriving in motherhood

 

Doom scrolling on social media tends to show you one of two pictures of motherhood – one who has it all, the picture-perfect family, house, seems to have life and motherhood all figured out, always looking so pulled together, never a hair out of place, house is always clean and organized.  The other is the complete opposite – overwhelmed with the never-ending mental load of motherhood, overstimulated by the unending noise of motherhood (the fighting, the loud TV, music, shouting to get anyone and everyone’s attention), the logistics of multiple people having different activities at the same time in different places, the ceaseless clutter of busy lives, the messiness of children.  The second depiction of motherhood is of one that is, however, much like reality  - it feels like a woman who is (barely) surviving motherhood: but is the first depiction, one of a mother really thriving?  Have we forgotten that both depictions are curated highlight reels into each of their lives.  Is one really happier than the other?  Is either option a true reflection of reality?  What do mamas really need to not only survive motherhood, but to actually thrive?

 

Matrescence is a term I first read a few months ago.  It is defined at the process or transition into becoming a mother.  Like with all things related to mama life, every transition is unique to the mama herself but with commonalities that allow for community and connection.  To easily explain matrescence it is commonly compared to adolescence which is the transition we all go on between childhood and adulthood.  The comparison makes it easier to understand the transition.  It is this transition that is not normally talked about.  Some women glide effortlessly through, while for others it provides a big challenge to variously held thoughts and beliefs.  When we first become mamas and sink into those hazy newborn days, we lose a part of ourselves and our self-identity can be challenged.  We are no longer the woman we once were.  Sometimes the changes are small and barely perceptible.  Mostly though the changes are sizeable, internal and take some time for us to notice and process.  What labels did you use to define yourself pre-motherhood and how has that changed during your motherhood journey?  Each pregnancy leaves it owns physical, mental and emotional scars on our bodies.

 

As our newborns grow and pass through various developmental phases, mamas start to get out of the house a bit more often – meeting with coffee groups, walking groups, attending swimming lessons, or sensory classes.  This can further reinforce our changes in self-identity, and may include requiring a mourning period for the woman we once were.  One of my favourite groups/outings were the ‘Wriggle and Rhyme’ sessions at libraries.  The sessions are free and introduce music, singing and movement as well as sensory objects such as sandbags, shells and bubbles.  The bubbles at the end were always my favourite part – the look of wonder and amazement on the babies’ faces was magical.

 

The sensory time was also a great way to encourage my babies to have a good nap time too.  Babies take time to settle into their routines.  Research suggests up to sixteen weeks to establish sleep patterns.  Anything that stimulated the senses, such as the Wriggle and Rhyme sessions seemed to greatly help with daytime sleep.  Some in my mother’s coffee group would be attending multiple sensory classes a week.  At times it seemed that I would meet the same mothers at different sessions/locations during the week.  We would all have our favourite librarians.  Of course, it was also a good introduction to all that libraries have to offer our young babies and children.

 

Just as routines help in those early newborn days, they become important in the months and years that follow.  The first summer of my motherhood journey, I fretted over how to pass those long lonely days without the crutch of routine that my child and I had established.  While some aspects of our established routine survived during the holidays, such as weekly walks with the Grandparents, other aspects such as the coffee groups came to an end.  School holidays are the nemesis of a good routine.  The long summer holidays have their own relaxed rhythm, which is completely different to the necessary and hectic routine of school days where there are times to be adhered to throughout the day – arriving at school, after school activities, sports practices and matches.  Within each day, there are multiple routines to be executed.  Morning routines – both at home and at school; after school routines, evening routines – sometimes it feels like each day is driven by routine.  Routines help us, by necessity to be prepared for each stage of the day and achieve our daily tasks.  When we miss a step in our routine, there can be a flow on effect on our preparedness for tasks and activities that follow it.  Having established various routines to help us through the day, do we ever pause to consider whether they help us thrive in motherhood or merely survive?